


Pas pour toujours, mais c'est bon pour maintenant.

by figart (likedeadroses)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: 'cause daaaannngg, M/M, inspired by love scenario's lyrics, jiwon is in love, yes it's hawai'i not hawaii
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-06-28 04:45:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15700428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likedeadroses/pseuds/figart
Summary: They aren't in love anymore, but he still tries to remember.





	Pas pour toujours, mais c'est bon pour maintenant.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Myself™](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Myself%E2%84%A2).



> majority of male pronouns are in reference to jiwon  
> also, jiwon doesn't have quotations when he speaks, but everyone else does.

“Y'wanna go to Hawai’i?”

Of all the things he expected Donghyuk to say, it wasn’t that.

Of all the places he thought Donghyuk wanted to go, it wasn’t there.

Why Hawai’i, he asked.

Donghyuk shrugged, a soft smile spreading across his lips. “Just thought y'might wanna go back. Y'still think about gettin’ a boat, yeah?”

Yeah.

“So, why not get one and cruise across some coast for a while? I know y'wanna.”

Yeah, I wanna, he thought.

That’s about all he thought of: floating over warm waves, sailing from island to island, to watch Donghyuk glisten, with salt in their hair and sun staining their skin. They’ve been trying to plan some adventure (well, he was, Donghyuk agreed to come along for the ride), to maybe run away from the small town no one ever escaped.

He’d been thinking about a boat, and some waves, and the breeze, and some horrid seafood (but Donghyuk loves it), and lots of stars. Maybe they should go—

“Jiwon, y’listenin’?”

Not really, he said.

But I will now.

“Eh, I don’t really wanna say all that again. Y'need to stop dazin’ away. 'S not fair.” Followed with a cute pout. He knows what it means.

Donghyuk dragged him around their flat the next morning, much before the sun. Lots of clothing and toiletries were thrown on top of him before bags were dragged out from under the bed and packed kindly.

A _get dressed and ready, please!_ was whispered his way as Donghyuk stripped down quickly, putting on an old George Mason hoodie and tight jeans (he opted for sweatpants that were on the edge of their life and a (read: Donghyuk’s) giant flannel). He was excited, even more so when he looked at the bright expression in Donghyuk’s eyes as he listed off a brief itinerary while they slipped on their shoes and grabbed the last of their belongings. It was a big deal. Donghyuk was being a little  _spontaneous_.

Two tickets and passports were trusted in his grip as they left their flat, Donghyuk taking the liberty in driving (this time).

They could’ve walked to the airport, and he told Donghyuk this , too, because the airport wasn’t more than three blocks away.

“Yeah, but then y'woulda wanted to take the boards and I don’t wanna deal with those when we can’t leave ‘em somewhere.”

Yeah, he said, you’re right.

Not much else was said on the drive over. Donghyuk hummed along to one of the pop stations that was finally settled on, and he tried to close his eyes and get some kind of rest before they were trapped in the air for eight hours. He couldn’t sleep on airplanes, Donghyuk knows that, but they always held hands, clammy and nervous the whole flight, with their fingers laced tightly together.

They went on a trip with some of their friends once, and picked on him for it. He had felt more anxious the longer Donghyuk refused to let go of his hand, trying to play it off as _for my own sake, not Jiwon’s_. The teasing stopped and his body settled (but Donghyuk only squeezed his hand tighter).

He hopes that won’t change. He hopes Donghyuk with tangled their fingers together the second they get away from the security lines and won’t let go until they land.

“Don’t be nervous, Jiwon. We’ll be there in no time.” A soft voice is close to his ear and he can’t help but smile a little.

I know, he said.

“That means you gotta relax,” Donghyuk rested his head over his shoulder, caressing his forearm gently, “and stop lookin’ out the window.”

Just hold my hand.

It was barely above a whisper, but Donghyuk heard him, smoothly linking their hands together and hooking his chin comfortably over his shoulder. A soft hum continued again, and he smiled because Donghyuk was cute and predictable and humming so prettily to one of Zaystin’s songs. And because he knew that it might not ever end.

He did sleep this time, but Donghyuk didn’t. Settling to hum and whisper close to his ear, and never moving from his original position. He worried aloud when they landed, ignoring the rush of passengers to get off the plane. But Donghyuk brushed it off.

“Stop worryin’ about me, I can handle it.” A small grin and wink, _like always_.

He couldn’t bring himself to worry much longer as they got off the plane to retrieve their luggage. The air was warm and smelled like tanning lotion, and the sun was shining softly behind a few clouds, and Donghyuk was smiling (but he was always smiling).

❧

They aren’t in love anymore, but he still tries to remember.

He tries to remember when they would hold hands when they walked home from work together. And when they would sneak little gifts under each other’s pillows. And when they would watch some cheesy European series together, just so they had an excuse to sob over stupid love stories. And when they would bicker over juice flavours, because _apple tastes better, Jiwon_.

(But Donghyuk will always slip a bottle of red grape juice in the cart when he thinks he isn’t looking).

He tries to remember the first signs of autumn. And the last remains of spring. And the close kisses they would sneak beside the fireplace at Donghyuk's parents' house. And the responses Donghyuk would leave on the sticky notes scattered around the flat when he thought of new beat or rhythm or note(s) to add to a track. 

Sometimes he thinks Donghyuk never loved him the same, maybe never even fell in love in the first place. But Donghyuk was always there, no matter what.

❧

"— No, Jiwon, this is _your_ stupid boat— I repeat— capital Y-O-U-R stupid _boat_. I don't even know how to drive the darn thing."

Sounds like a great time to learn, he said.

Actually, it wasn't a great time to learn, considering the dark clouds that were moving in East. In times like these, he thinks, it would have been a great time to have taught Donghyuk to drive Chanwoo's speedboat when they visited him last summer. _There's more comfort learning in lake than in sea_ , his father always told him as he checked each sail before they moved forward. He understands how different a sail is from a motor, but he wants to teach Donghyuk (someday).

He doesn't comment on the irritated _hmph!_ that comes from his right, or the bratty-like steps as Donghyuk rushes down to the cabin. It's been a long day, he decides, and adjusts the sails to steer toward the closest island to anchor for the night.

I'm gonna bring us back to shore, he said.

He can see Donghyuk from where he is inside the cabin: sprawled across their bed, shirtless, with his nose shoved inside another raunchy romance novel. But Donghyuk nods anyway as he glances up quickly, to let him know he's been heard.

❧

There's a difference, he said.

There's a difference in what we value. And I think that's unfair.

"It's not unfair, Jiwon," and Donghyuk's voice had never been so soft. And calm. Like the water beneath them; the remains of a soft rain through the night.

Yeah, he said, it is.

Because you get to see the whole world differently each day, and I'm stuck here in the same time, in the same place, and still believing that one day you're going to fall in love with me, too.

But you're not, and it's  _unfair_.

"Y'say that like it's gonna change."

It wouldn't, of course, they both knew that. But it seemed harder each day for him to deal with; to have a constant reminder of how well they wouldn't work.

Donghyuk was tugging at the frayed hem of  _his_ hoodie; leaning his head on  _his_ shoulder; and there was a silent apology spoken in the early morning air. They were still cuddled up close in the bed that was hanging off the wall of the cabin, and he was still holding Donghyuk's hand like he didn't want to let go (because he didn't).

"But," there was hesitation in Donghyuk's voice, a soft tremble of his breath. 

What, he asked.

A shrug, and a cold nose being pressed against his neck.

 _Nothing_.

❧

As much as he wishes to, he can't forget the first time they kissed. Because it was awkward and a little earthy and all the things he wasn't ready for.

Because he was pushed to the back seat the moment he parked his truck. Because within seconds there was a warm body in his lap and hands running through his hair. Because when a fifteen-year-old Donghyuk whispered close in his ear what the next move was, he wasn't prepared.

He wasn't prepared for chapped lips and the mild taste of peach Snapple, or the tight grip in his hair and the subtle rut against his stomach. His eyes were open the whole time— for the whole two minutes and twenty-six seconds— staring at the inconsistent creases moving across Donghyuk's bronze forehead. But he must've done something right when Donghyuk pulled back, slowly opening his eyes, because Donghyuk smiled and kissed his nose and dove back in for another kiss.

A deeper kiss.

The kind that made him feel special when Donghyuk slipped his tongue over his teeth and the roof of his mouth. And he closed his eyes this time and gripped Donghyuk's hips firmly, getting distracted by the other sweet tastes that were still left on Donghyuk's tongue.

And the windows started to fog.

They never got caught, but his mind went wild when he noticed, after pulling apart again. Donghyuk started to kiss his neck, soft little pecks that sent shivers to his toes.

Maybe we should leave it here, he said.

"Tha's it?" Donghyuk asked.

Yeah, he said.

I haven't— I've never done this before.

Donghyuk smiled, "I get it. Wanna take me home then?" Those fingers were back in his hair, others playing with the gold crucifix around his neck.

Sure, he said.

I'd like that.

❧

He truly believes this is one of the clearest nights he's seen in a long time: the stars are bright and the moon was big and low, as if the sun had never left. And Donghyuk— laying down on the deck and playing with their fingers— looked beautiful under the silvery radiance of the night-time sun.

“You should try to move on.”

This was their last day of their adventure. The last day they would be stuck in a small boat, having to be closer than they ever had been. It was the last day before they would head back to the Big Island and return the boat; before they would fly back home and continue their lives together. He doesn't want to think about it, but he thinks this is the closest they've been in years. That this is the most that he'll even get to know Donghyuk. Nothing will change when they return home; they'll both work and eat together and share the same bed and laugh and tease and cry and avoid the last remains of infatuation that still hover over their heads.

They'll still share clothes and showers and naps and grocery shopping trips. They'll still help each other when they get a little desperate. Donghyuk will always be there, and he tries to convince himself that everyday of every month of every year they continue to spend together. 

And it's hard to come to terms with the fact that his home is in fact not a house, but right inside Dongyhuk's warm and kind heart. Home is the smell of sweet vanilla and tangy sweat; the touch along his spine, and dips of fingers into his jeans.

But what if I forget you, he asked.

“Jiwon,” Donghyuk’s hands were soft as they brushed across his cheeks, “there’s no way you could forget me.”

It was true, it would be impossible for him to ever forget Donghyuk.  _Impossible._

❧

_You have (9) New Messages._

Jiwon (Barbie)

 **Jiwon [03:18]**  
believe me i’m not sad but i wish i was more meaningful

 **Jiwon [03:19]**  
i wish i had more to give you.

 **Jiwon [03:21]**  
and i feel like i’m making you stick around and miss out on all those fun things you want to do  
i don’t wanna hold you back

 **Jiwon [03:25]**  
or make you feel like you have to love me the same way

 **Jiwon [03:30]**  
i want to be the best i can be for you.

 **Jiwon [04:05]**  
and it’s really hard to do that when i’m still in love with you.

 **Jiwon [07:48]**  
i love you donghyuk with all my being

 **Jiwon [07:49]**  
all my soul.  
all my heart

 **Jiwon [07:51]**  
i want to be good enough to make you stay right here

 

_Would you like to reply?_


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